I won’t waste space begging for your forgiveness – though I AM sorry. I won’t waste your time talking about all of the reasons I did what I did or said what I said. I’m not going to list any excuses, and I’m not going to talk about how hurt I was or how much I’ve tortured myself since we parted. I won’t bother you with my opinions on karma (because I have a LOT of opinions on karma).
They say that holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I believe that, and because I believe that I’m going to say this – I forgive you. I forgive you for the sake of me. For MY sake and my sanity, I forgive you.
This might seem selfish at first, talking about forgiving you for my sake, but I’m telling you this because I hope you’ll do the same. I hope you’ll stop poisoning yourself with thoughts of how I hurt you. I hope that you’ll let light back into your heart and feel free when you think of me. You don’t have to like me all of a sudden (though we did like each other once, and for good reasons), but instead of feeling angry and frustrated and resentful when my name comes up, I want you to feel whole. I want you to be able to picture my face and then take a deep breath and smile. To feel good about the lessons we taught each other. And then to get back to living your life.
I can see my responsibility now, my part in the pain we caused each other. I can see how much you were hurt, how much you were lashing out simply because I’d cornered you. I can see all of the awful things I said and did when you cornered me. I see all of it, and I accept it. I am grateful for the lessons you taught me – both in good moments and in bad. I am grateful for all of the mud we threw at each other, all of the nights we cried ourselves to sleep, all the times we wished the other would just disappear. You are a part of my history now, a part of me. And I forgive you because I wouldn’t trade my history, my lessons, for anything. I wouldn’t go back and erase you from my life, because I wouldn’t have so much of the happiness and success I have today without you. Without you I would have those lessons ahead of me, instead of behind me and in my arsenal.
I am willing to allow you to be you. I had great expectations for you, overblown opinions on what you should or shouldn’t do and who you should or shouldn’t be. I saw what I wanted to see at first, only accepting the ‘good’ parts of you, the parts that fit in with who I wanted you to be. Then later, in the moments when you didn’t match the picture I had drawn, I was resentful. How dare you step outside of my lines. How dare you act in a way that I didn’t anticipate. How dare you shift gears and move in a different direction.
That was wrong, I see that now. You are not responsible for my happiness. What you do or don’t do does not determine how I feel or which direction I choose to walk. I alone am responsible for my reactions to you. I alone choose my path. I alone have the power to create whatever life I want to live. You are who you are, and you are walking your own path. For a time we walked together. Maybe somewhere in the future we will again. But in the times when your path strays from mine, that’s okay. And if there are times when your path blocks mine, that’s okay too. Instead of trying to knock you off of your path or convince you that your path is wrong, I will simply go around it, and be grateful for the change in course.
I choose to forgive you. For me. Because I choose to lighten my load and feel whole as I move forward.
I truly wish the same for you. I hurt you. You hurt me. We spent days or months or years torturing each other. But if we don’t forgive and move on, the torture just continues. If we don’t take responsibility for our own paths and decide where we go from here, then we go nowhere. We live forever drinking our own poison.
Throw it out – put the lid on your bottle of poison and toss it. That’s what I’ve done. When I think of you now I think of how grateful I am for your presence in my life. I’m grateful to have known you, and grateful for your thorns. Be grateful for mine, and get back to your joy.
With love and blessings.
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