I’m sad lately. Not quite sad enough to declare a state of emergency or anything, but when I’m left to myself I’m just…sad.
The voices in my head are full of politics. Most days I can’t wait until this stupid election is over, but then I realize that the venom and vitriol everyone is spewing all over regular and social media isn’t going to go away on November 9th. If anything, it has the potential to get worse. And I have a feeling I’m going to get a taste of what it must have felt like to be a person of color in 2008, because even if Hillary wins by a landslide, the latent and not-so-latent misogyny that squats in peoples’ souls is going to rear its ugly head and force us all to listen to everyone’s disgust at the idea of a woman in the white house.
I’m sad that I’m having trouble writing. I’m sad for my breast cancer friends who are facing recurrences that have sent them into Stage IV. I’m sad that I can’t afford an X-box One for my son for Christmas. And I’m sad that not being able to buy my kid something that will make him even more couch-bound is making me sad.
Oh and I finally made those brownies – but screwed them up just enough to make them unsatisfying.
What I really should do is get my butt outside and go for a run. I started this year’s dumb job last week (I have to have a certain amount of W2 work each year or my taxes go haywire), and it’s disturbing my normal workout schedule. Hopefully after I’ve adjusted a bit I can either get back to that routine or find a new one. Today though, it’s dreary and gross outside, and even putting running shoes on takes a level of motivation I’m not feeling at the moment. And there’s this underlying guilt about all of the things I’m supposed to be doing on the days I don’t have to go to work…uch I should just go. I could go run, then spend the rest of the time the kids are in school listening to an audiobook and crocheting. Then maybe the inspiration for where the hell to go with this next book will rise from the ashes of my cremated enthusiasm.
Yeah.
Honestly, it’s totally absurd for me to be sad at all – I live a ridiculously blessed life. I won’t even list all of the things I’m blessed to have and experience because it will only make me feel that much worse for feeling sad. Just the fact that I am physically able to go for a run at 9am on a weekday has like two hundred different elements of privilege to it. Okay fine, I’ll go.
I’m going.
Right after I grab a crappy brownie…