It’s 5:15am. In a little over an hour I have to wake my kids up and explain to them why hate won yesterday. I have to look my little girl in the eye and tell her that a man who thinks nothing of assaulting women and girls is our next president.
I’m feeling so many things right now – in truth, the last time I felt like this was after being told I had cancer. I’m angry…so angry. I’m angry at the people who stood by and allowed this. I’m angry at the people in my FB news feed who are celebrating this hate. I’m angry at the people who voted third party. I’m angry at the people who perpetuated the idea that Hillary was a bad choice. I’m angry at myself for not doing more during this election.
But more than all of that, I’m terrified.
Because we aren’t leaving. We aren’t moving to Canada, or Europe, or Brazil (my son’s first choice). Even if we could, we wouldn’t. We will stay, and we will fight. I said it a month ago and I’m saying it now, in the face of the worst case scenario. We will stay, and we will fight.
So tomorrow I will pull myself up and figure out a plan. Tomorrow I will research what I can do locally, how I can make a difference in my neighborhood, my community, my city and my state. What I can do to help protect the Muslims, the immigrants, the women and the people of color in my community. What I can do to empower those who feel powerless right now. My feeling is that we have to work locally, face-to-face, to fix this.
Today though, today I am in mourning. Today I am bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, and already feel violent toward anyone who says anything about today being a good day. I’m going to give myself today to feel it, to mourn, to rail and to hug the people I love. Our country is riddled with a cancer much larger than we white folk had known (I doubt most people of color are surprised), and if there’s one thing I learned in my own cancer experience…in the beginning, you have to let yourself feel it.
Love and light to us all.