My belly is shrinking, finally. I’d have to look it up… although I’m not sure where, but I think it’s taking me longer to lose the chemo weight than it did to lose the weight after I gave birth to R. Crazy. I put my scale into my closet, and like an addict I’ve had to talk myself out of pulling it out and weighing myself like fifty times already. I’m determined though, I’m not weighing myself until I feel a MARKED difference in how my clothes fit. Once I can tell that my biggest jeans are loose, I’ll give it the dreaded pink pants test. Once the pink pants are loose or at least comfortable…then maybe. Actually if the pink pants are comfortable I’m more likely to scramble into my skinny jeans in a frenzy of giggling “Squeeeeeeeee!!!” THEN I’ll go weigh myself.
Unless my skinny jeans don’t fit.
I’m fighting that lost feeling again lately. For the most part I can dial it back in and work on writing or clean the house or…whatever. But it doesn’t take much this week for me to get completely lost in a memory, frozen in a spot, not even thinking anything in particular but unable to move. When I remember I try the move-your-eyes-around technique that I read about, and that actually works pretty well. Or I just shake my head and try to get back to what I was doing.
Except that Diem Brown is dead. Freaking dead. After her freaking THIRD battle with cancer, this time in her colon, Wtf. Is it some sort of Final Destination thing, was she supposed to die in her first battle so it kept coming back?! No, that’s obviously not true, she helped too many people along the way. She helped me when she blogged about her second battle. I just…she was such an inspiration. She was strong and resilient but still real and vulnerable. She was an example of how you can KEEP beating cancer, over and over again.
But you can’t, can you. Not forever.
SEE?!!! This is what I’m talking about, that stupid lost feeling. I spent twenty-four thousand words in You’ve Got This talking about how to stay positive, how to get through the hard days…but how do you do that in the aftermath? How do you do it long term?
This is the next battle I guess, the endurance battle. The Hundred Years War. I should research marathon runners and long-distance swimmers, maybe they have the answer.
At least I’m winning the war with my belly fat.
I should go wake the kids up so they don’t sleep too late. I should make breakfast. I should work out BEFORE I wake the kids up so I don’t have to answer the “what are you DOING?” questions as I contort myself into shapes not intended for a human. Maybe it’ll even be warm enough today to go for a run.
Aaaaand too late, the kids are up. Breakfast it is. Till next time…
-KS
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