There’s a fear I’ve been trying to tackle lately, and it’s a real asshole. It’s sneaky, and likes to disguise itself as a million other things – excuses, anxiety, ‘reality’. It stays hidden for an entire journey – hiding in bushes and behind telephone poles – until right before I’m about to succeed. Then it jumps out in front of me and blocks my goal.
It’s the fear of success, and it is doing its damnedest right now to sabotage my efforts at the life I’ve been building.
I didn’t used to think I had this fear. It sounds like a fear someone who is very insecure might have. Someone who has major issues seeing what they deserve in life – it definitely feels more ‘normal’ to be afraid of failure. But every time I get close to a goal there it is, the fear of success, dancing like a maniac right in front of the finish line.
I’ve found that being in the spotlight for a hardship is easy. Hang on, I’m not saying the hardship is easy, I’m saying that being in the spotlight for a hardship is easy. Or at least easier. When you’re dealing with something awful and major, people tend to want to rally behind you and lift you up. They send you prayers, and thoughts of strength and hope. They’re inspired by your ability to ‘make it through’. When I was in the thick of cancer treatment I had gale force winds at my back in the form of friends, family, and sometimes complete strangers who cheered me on and offered their support.
But how do you feel when you see someone who is extremely successful? Someone who has achieved some of the goals you want in your life? Do you immediately cheer them on, offering your support and your prayers? Or do you pull back, and let the little green jealousy monster start chattering in your ear? Do you start searching for the shortcuts they took, for the help they had that maybe they didn’t deserve? I don’t think I’m going out too far on a limb to say we’ve all been guilty of listening to our own jealousy from time to time.
Being in the spotlight for being successful…that can be a little lonely. Other people might resent it. They might be jealous, or assume you came about it in an immoral or unjust way. The people close to you might be threatened by your decisions and feel the need to defend their own. We are herd animals at heart, and have an instinctual need to stay with the group. So if I make a choice that you would never make, and I achieve success with that choice, chances are you will start to doubt your own choices at least a little. That can be scary, and the knee-jerk reaction is usually to convince yourself that I don’t deserve that success, or that failure is still imminent for me.
Since I was a kid I’ve usually gone my own way. My dad thought pursuing theatre was ridiculous, and thought even less of the college I chose to study theatre at. He was very vocal about this, but it didn’t change my path. I wore clothes and styled my hair specifically to stand out, not to fit in – much to my mother’s confusion. “Are all of your friends wearing their hair that way?” she’d ask. “No, that’s why I’m doing it,” I would respond.
What happened to that girl?
Lately I catch myself mentally sabotaging my efforts right as I begin to have some success. In my weight loss journey, I was on the cusp of another major milestone when I literally ate my way right back up the scale into “safe” territory. I was almost finished with the outline of my first novel, then re-read it and decided the entire idea was trite and naive, and I pushed it aside. I get right there, right on the precipice, then cower in the face of that stupid fear as he does his best Superbowl touchdown dance in front of the edge.
It’s scary, that precipice, even when my greatest desire is just on the other side.
I’ve been working on release this year – releasing emotional blocks, releasing attachments I have to unhealthy ideals. I’ve made HUGE strides in a couple of major areas of my life, and I’m really proud of that. Now it’s time to tackle my fear of success. It’s time to face success square on. Maybe I need to use some of the same skills I learned when things were at their worst – keep moving forward, square my shoulders and put one foot in front of the other. I know how to face things that are scary now. I know how to open the door and walk through it when every ounce of my body wants to run the other way.
It’s time to put that strength and resolve back into play. I’ve got to walk up to the door of success, look at the dancing maniac in front of it, then pick that little freak up and place him behind me so I can open the door and walk through it.
I’ll keep you posted 🙂
Lead the way!